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Glass Coffin

Sometimes, I feel
much like a
porcelain doll entombed
in glass for
the world to
see but for
me to never
experience a thing.

They deemed me
fragile, so they
locked me up
thinking it would
keep me safe
but all that
did was drove
me completely insane
with the want
to feel freedom
and the fear
of never being
able to experience
anything apart from
the glass coffin
that keeps the
world out and
keeps me in.

Treat Her Like A Queen, Not A Damsel

“Why me,” he asked.
“Why do you love me more than you’ve ever loved anyone before me?”

With his hand in mine, I told him,
“because you treated me like a queen, long before I truly became one. Everyone else treated me like a princess in need of a knight to save her; you treated me like a queen, the kind a king would want to rule beside.”

The Only Times I Dream

I don’t normally dream.

But when I do,
I still feel
the rattle of my teeth
as you shake me
with the thunder in your voice
and the earthquake you cause
with your hands around my neck;
I still see
the potent hate in your eyes
coupled with a glimmer of satisfaction
as you continue to spew venom on me;
I still hear
all the anger and resentment
in your tone as you slap me
with every derogatory word you knew;
I still remember
the throbbing on my cheek,
right where your knuckles were,
as the pressure in my chest
builds up from not being able to breathe.

All this I recall
with so much clarity
that I wake up
robbed of breath and innocence
because my dreams
are only ever nightmares
of how you abused and violated me.

Inebriation

I’m sorry
I’ve been drinking again
but these demons have returned
to inflict their pain,
with louder voices
and harsher words
to drive me insane.
They’ve come back
to their usual haunt
with their mocking tones
and merciless taunts
but I don’t want to
listen to their screams
in my mind as they jaunt.
I know you hate
seeing me this way
as I drink myself blind
and lead myself astray
but I’d rather be drunk
than in another hospital bed
just because I couldn’t keep
these demons at bay.

Well Weather Friends

The thing that I realise about my history of friendships that have not lasted is that I have had so many “well weather” friends.

As a person with depression, I live in a perpetual cloudy state. Some days, the sun shines through and the clouds are white but these clouds are always here, covering the blue of the sky. On my really bad days, it’s like a never ending monsoon, with screaming winds, roaring thunders and a rising flood.

And the thing is that like the weather, I cannot control when the storm hits or how bad it’ll be.

But some people cannot understand that.

So they’ll be there, only when the clouds are white and when the sun can still shine through, but they leave the moment the lightning strikes and the winds begin to hail.

And when they ask me, as they leave, why I stay in the storm, I tell them that I can’t leave like they can because I bring the weather with me.

It is for this reason that these friendships do not work out. It is not because they left when it started to rain, but because they treated my depression like it was something I could control – they expected me to be able to switch it off when they’re around and when I couldn’t, they left to find someone with brighter skies and more acceptable weather patterns.

Because I Have Before

There are days
when the sadness
creeps in, in ways
that I cannot foresee.
It arrives with no invitation,
this darkness that consumes me
that I know as depression,
and it doesn’t leave as easily.
Most times, I sit quietly
and pray that it’ll not harm me
for sometimes,
this darkness can get
all too consuming.
I’ve been here
too many times to count
and each time I pray,
harder than before,
for the strength to await
the dawn that breaks
this darkness.
Every time this darkness calls,
I do my best
to remind myself
that no matter
how dark the night
and how cold the winter,
I will survive
because I have before.