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And there she goes again. Retreating back into the world that is her mind. Wandering the Lands of Thoughts – where the endless Sky of Possibilities meet the Ocean of Doubts; where she could potentially get lost in the Forests of Fear or play in the Fields of Daydreams. She could climb the Mountains of Challenges or live in her Palace of Imagination.

I watch as she disappears into the corners of her mind and wonder in which direction she’ll wander.

But when I look into her eyes, I do not see the Wanderer. Instead, I see her world falling to pieces.

I walk up to you and hug you, tell you that I love you. I’m about to tell you everything that had been bothering for the longest of time.

I’m not happy with my life.
I hate how I’m always dropping short and can’t seem to do anything about it.
I’m not smart enough to go on.
I feel suffocated by expectations.
I’m struggling in more ways than one.
I’m tearing myself apart.
I can’t eat without feeling upset.
I can’t study without feeling angry.
I can’t sleep without feeling worried.
I can’t smile without it feeling forced.
I’m depressed and I’m trying.
I’m trying so hard to stay alive in this world that I hate.
I hate my life.
I hate my body.
I hate myself.
I want to die.
I can’t deal with this emptiness anymore.
I don’t want to deal with this endless pit of sadness.
I’m drowning and I just want to sink to the bottom.
I just want it to stop.
I want to stop hurting myself, but I can’t.
I want to stop hurting people, but I do.
I want it all to go away and leave me alone.
I just want to die…

But I don’t tell you any of this. The words are there and I taste it – the bitter taste of self-loathing and resentment. The words are there but I won’t let them go. I clutch at them, desperately. I choke as I swallow them back down, but I do so quietly.

Because the last thing I want to do is ruin your happiness by shattering this facade that I created.

Because I don’t want to be the one who steals that smile of yours.