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That’s what some people can’t seem to grasp: old habits die hard, they’re even harder to kill when they’re bad habits.

When people tell me to stop cutting, they’re asking me to abolish the only coping mechanism I had. When I tried to stop, all that achieved was gaining a new bad habit because you can’t force me to stop and expect nothing but recovery – it doesn’t work like that. I will have withdrawals. I will have relapses. The bad habit doesn’t suddenly disappear, it ends up getting replaced by something else.

And that something else is usually worse than what I was already doing. And next thing you know, I have a revolving set of bad habits that have all become coping mechanisms of sorts because you keep forcing me to just let it go.

The truth is that I can’t just cut it out or switch it off. It doesn’t work like that. I have to lessen the power it has over me before I can eradicate it. Now instead of having one strong bad babit, I have four latched onto me with almost equal strength. And they always interchange with one another.

Now tell me, how is this any better?

That’s the thing about some parents, they think they can control you forever. They make you believe that you won’t be able to survive without them.

Sometimes it’s because they think they know what’s best for you, but they don’t know you like you know yourself. You can’t let them dictate your life or live through you.

I’ve been letting mine plan out my life for so long because I was afraid to disappoint them which meant that I could never say no to them. I was always unhappy with the decisions they made because they never asked me about my opinion on the situation.

But in the end, it’s my fault because I let them do it. I didn’t have the strength or courage to fight back. People only have as much control over you as you allow them to.

But it’s my life and now I choose what I want to do, with or without my parents approval. I can’t keep believing that I won’t make it without them. At some point, you have to learn to be independent.

And sometimes, it means learning to stand on your own two feet without any other support.

Have you ever felt like you loved someone, but knew that you could never be with them?

Like the two of you would be talking or laughing, just enjoying each other’s company, and then you look at them. Truly look at them. You realise then, at that moment, that you love them.

But that’s not the problem. The problem is that you can’t seem to figure out what kind of love it is, you feel for them. It could probably be solved with a kiss, but there’s no going back from doing something like that.

So you just go on with your life. Just freaking loving everyone. But for some reason, you do it on a rather suppressed level. Like you feel like loving everyone too much could destroy you; or at least the not knowing will.

Which is why it’s so hard to accept people in your life because you know that you’ll love them, and you’re afraid of what that might mean.

Like what if they leave because they feel guilty for not being able to reciprocate? Or what if they leave just because they don’t love you like that?

Sometimes, she just disappears into her mind and doesn’t come out for days.

Like something is trapping her there, maybe a painful memory or the demons she never wants to talk about.
I don’t know what goes on in her head.
There are times where I’ll catch her with this haunted look on her face, or a broken smile.

It hurts to see her so broken but when she retreats into her mind, she’s somewhere I can’t follow her.

I want to help. What can I do but just be here for her?

Even though I may have told you that you’re dead to me, my words have immortalised you and the wounds you’ve inflicted.

Please don’t lie to me.

If I’m being unbearable or particularly bitchy, I’d rather you tell me to my face than let me hear it from someone else.

And never lie to protect me because I’d rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie – words have repercussions; the truth, no matter how painful it is, deserves to be heard.

If you, someone I trust and care about, can’t tell me the truth, I don’t know who to believe in.