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I’m never here anymore, not really. I’ll smile. I’ll talk but I’m never really there in that moment we’re in.

I’m dead, and you don’t know you’re talking to a hollow corpse. I’ve died inside and can’t feel a thing. I go about doing whatever it is that I used to do.

So normal. What is normal anyway?

Is it normal to be so unfeeling? Is it normal to be so uncaring of anything?

I don’t know what normalcy is but I continue to do what I think I’ve always done – I don’t really remember.

I’m on auto-pilot. Letting my feet take me to the places I have to be. I allow my muscle memory to do the things I don’t remember why I have to do. I’ve become a walking, talking, partially living dead.

Ah, I finally know what I am… but do you?

Do you notice my blank looks and automated responses? Maybe you don’t, I don’t blame you because it took me awhile to too.

I didn’t notice when my wrists were weeping the tears I couldn’t. I didn’t notice when my hands stopped purging my feelings with ink on paper. I didn’t notice when my body had become accustomed to surviving off of only coffee. I didn’t notice when the sky changed colours with the rising sun.

So how was I supposed to have noticed when my feet walked on cool concrete and the wind slapped my face with my hair? How was I supposed to have noticed that I was staring down at what could become my death?

And how was I supposed to have noticed that I had walked off the edge of the earth and left you all behind?

It’s not something I can explain easily… It’s like I’ve lost perception of Time.

A moment could feel too long when in reality it was only a minute. Sometimes, it feels like time doesn’t exist and all of a sudden too much of it has passed.

Time has become this rabbit hole I’ve fallen into. The days just blur into one another and the next thing I know, the Consequences come knocking on my door.

I don’t know why this happens. And I don’t understand how hours and days can just bypass me without me noticing a thing until I’m being shoved by a tide of Consequences.

I think the worst part is that it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to – nothing does. It’s like I’ve faded away. Things don’t affect me like they used to.

I had always been afraid of the Consequences, but now I don’t fight it. I just let it pull me under and drown me. I don’t scream. I don’t thrash. I just sink and the deeper I go, the less I feel. And now I’m too far submerged for you to rescue me.

You know, humans are so tactless. Sometimes, they hurt someone without even realising they’re doing it. All it takes really is just their words, specifically the kinds that degrade or insult a person without being an outright attack. The thing about words is that the way you say them really gives the impact. The tone and implications behind those words matter.

Okay, so you may not mean it that way. At times, it just came out wrong. You shouldn’t shrug it off though, instead you should apologize and say what you really mean. Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant but not said we start to misunderstand one another and each other’s intentions. We start to question each other and breed insecurities.

I’m going to be honest and say straight up that I am insecure. It may not look like many things bother me but truth be told, I’m just good at hiding my reactions and supressing my emotions. What you say will either affect me immediately and will last a short while or affect me later when I’m falling apart and your words come knocking, a reminder that I was not good enough for you. When I fall apart, all the mean words (whether intentional or not) layer with each other and slowly bury me alive. You may not realise then or even now but what you say, though it can be forgiven, it can never be forgotten because it is burned into my memory. No matter what you do, it will always be there.

Which is why you should always be careful with your words. You could trigger someone without realising it, most times due to ignorance. So be very careful because I can forgive your slip of tongue or the way you may have said it incorrectly but I could never forgive you for your careless ignorance.

If all doors had windows , we would have never learnt from the mistakes that had been avoided.

If all doors had windows, no one would have chosen what seemed like the harder path.

Not all journeys are easy, but the most deceiving are those that seem easy at the beginning.

Life is a series of corridors and doors that lead to many different paths… but if all of those doors had windows, you would probably have not chosen the doors that made you face the difficulties that shaped you.

You know, if people tell you something enough times, you start to believe it.
People call me a bitch. Sometimes it’s true, other times it’s not. It really depends on how you are with me. I can be a bitch when I want to, but sometimes it’s out of my control.

I’m generally a reflection of how you treat me. Be friendly and we’ll get on just fine. Be a fake ass, two faced bitch? Rest assured I can and will out-bitch you. I don’t care what you think of me because you have no power over me.

I’m not always a bitch but call me one enough times, I will show you what a bitch looks like and honey let me tell you that you don’t want to know what that’s like. Trust me.

And that’s the thing about her: when she loves someone, she’ll show them she loves them every opportunity she gets. If she adores you, you’ll know just by the way she talks to you and touches you. Though it seems like she’s open to being touched she isn’t, because only the people she touches are allowed to touch her.

Hugging is the big green light that you mean something to her. When she doesn’t touch you first, it’s a clear sign that you shouldn’t be touching her.