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Someone: “Are you okay?”

Me: “I’m not okay. Just tired. I didn’t sleep at all well last night.”

Someone: “Oh, too much homework?”

Me: “No, too many thoughts. Yeah.”

Someone: “Dang. Well you still have today to do it. Have you studied for the test?”

Me: “A little, I tried to but I couldn’t. ”

Someone: “I’m sure you’ll do fine. You’re smart.”

Me: “I failed the last one though, but I’ll just try my best, I guess. Even though it’s probably not enough.”

Someone: “You can do it.”

Me: “I can’t, but thanks.”

(Un)Happy

Everyone I know has a preconceived image of me.

They see a girl who is always smiling, who is always laughing, who always has time to talk who is always unhappy.

They see this girl who is not me.

I am not the happy go lucky girl that everyone thinks I am.

Just because I am good at pretending, it doesn’t mean that I am like that all the time. And the worst part is that people think that there is nothing bothering me just because I keep that smile on my face.

I smile to keep everyone happy, and that in no way means that I am.

All people have to do is ask me how I am, but they don’t because they’d rather believe that I am happy than accept that I couldn’t be.

I don’t understand how people can expect any one person to be able to be happy or positive for a long time. Because I certainly cannot be.

So please stop projecting your expectations on to me. Please stop making me feel like I am not allowed to feel upset.

And please stop expecting me to be happy all the time.

Reverse Russian Roulette

Let’s play a game of Reverse Russian Roulette.

This is how it works. Instead of all the chambers of the revolver being empty with the exception of one, all the chambers will be filled – with the exception of one.

Each chamber will contain a vice of mine that I have used to cope. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Cutting. Purging.

So now that the gun is loaded, let’s spin the cylinder and see what happens.

There’s a one in five chance that I don’t do anything at all, but there’s a four in five chance that I will continue to cope the only ways I know how.

And that’s how the game works because I know that I will most likely continue destroying myself. With the gun in my hand and an exhalation, I anticipate the bullet that awaits me. It is very rare that one doesn’t come.

This is a test that I must pass.

So I don’t think. I just pull the trigger.

These Four Walls

The walls of my bedroom have
seen more,
heard more,
comforted me more,
than anyone ever could.

They have seen me
fall apart,
try to build myself up again,
fail every single time I try,
and yet they hold no judgement.

They have heard me
scream
when no one else did;
cry
when no one else did;
pray
when no one else did,
and yet they hold my secrets here.

They have comforted me
with their presence
each night when falling asleep was hard,
each morning when sleep never came,
each day when people have been cruel,
and yet they hold me together.

For these four walls
have kept me safe
in their embrace,
especially after I’ve felt unsafe
in others’.

Seasons

Spring
The flowers blooming
The birds singing
And new beginnings

It’s time for a change
Time for new experiences
Time to let go of the past
And forget our differences

Then comes Summer
Warm fun-filled days
Long hours at the pool or beach
Then back to a friend’s house to play

Going to parties
Meeting friends of friends
Meeting someone new
That’s the beginning of the end

It is Autumn
With the leaves, you fell
With the leaves, people changed
Everything was different, all was not well

Just like the trees with no leaves
You were left bare
Just like the trees rooted to the ground
You could go nowhere

Finally, Winter came
Cold and alone
He was no longer there for you
You were on your own

Like the falling snow
You came back to Earth
And like the snow
You will eventually melt

The year has ended
Away from the recent memories, you part
Trying to leave it behind and forget
Waiting for the cycle to reset