Dysthymia

What if I fail?
I won’t ever
be able to leave this country
that I hate so much.
I’m going to live my life
as a failure
and I’ll never be good
enough for anyone
because I can’t even graduate.
What if I die
alone and-

“Hey, how are you?”
I’m alright. I’ve been busy.
“I know right. But girl,
you clearly have your shit together.”
I have just been working hard.
“Yeah, I hardly see you anymore.”
Oh you know, I really want to do well.
“Don’t we all!”
Yeah, well I have to go now.
“But we just met. I really haven’t
seen you in months.”
I know but I really want to do well.
“Alright then. Maybe after the
exams, we can meet up?”
Yeah, sure…

Why am I not
getting it right?
Why am I falling
short when I try
so fucking hard?
Why isn’t this going
like I planned?
Why do I suck at what
I used to be good at?
Why am I
underperforming?

“Did you study for the test?”
Yes, I did ma’am.
“Well, you barely passed.
Care to tell me why?”
I don’t know ma’am.
I really gave it my all.
“Well, it’s not enough.
You really have to push
yourself because the exam
is not going to be easy.”
Yes, ma’am.
“Listen, I know it’s hard.
But you have a lot of potential.
I’ve seen you do it before,
you can do it again.”
Thank you, ma’am.
I’ll work on it.

Failure.
Failure.
Failure.

“What is this?
I’m at work and suddenly
I get a phone call
from your teacher!”
I-
“No excuses!
You’re failing?
I didn’t spend all this money
on your education
for you to fail!”
It was much harder than
I anticipated…
“That is not a valid reason!
Go to your room,
and study.”

Numb;
Don’t cry,
I don’t have time for that.
I need to study.
Study;
You can do this,
one chapter at a time.
Workaholic;
one more set of
exam papers,
I’ve only done three today.
Perfection;
I will get those grades.