Reverse Russian Roulette

Let’s play a game of Reverse Russian Roulette.

This is how it works. Instead of all the chambers of the revolver being empty with the exception of one, all the chambers will be filled – with the exception of one.

Each chamber will contain a vice of mine that I have used to cope. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Cutting. Purging.

So now that the gun is loaded, let’s spin the cylinder and see what happens.

There’s a one in five chance that I don’t do anything at all, but there’s a four in five chance that I will continue to cope the only ways I know how.

And that’s how the game works because I know that I will most likely continue destroying myself. With the gun in my hand and an exhalation, I anticipate the bullet that awaits me. It is very rare that one doesn’t come.

This is a test that I must pass.

So I don’t think. I just pull the trigger.