I walk up to you and hug you, tell you that I love you. I’m about to tell you everything that had been bothering for the longest of time.
I’m not happy with my life.
I hate how I’m always dropping short and can’t seem to do anything about it.
I’m not smart enough to go on.
I feel suffocated by expectations.
I’m struggling in more ways than one.
I’m tearing myself apart.
I can’t eat without feeling upset.
I can’t study without feeling angry.
I can’t sleep without feeling worried.
I can’t smile without it feeling forced.
I’m depressed and I’m trying.
I’m trying so hard to stay alive in this world that I hate.
I hate my life.
I hate my body.
I hate myself.
I want to die.
I can’t deal with this emptiness anymore.
I don’t want to deal with this endless pit of sadness.
I’m drowning and I just want to sink to the bottom.
I just want it to stop.
I want to stop hurting myself, but I can’t.
I want to stop hurting people, but I do.
I want it all to go away and leave me alone.
I just want to die…
But I don’t tell you any of this. The words are there and I taste it – the bitter taste of self-loathing and resentment. The words are there but I won’t let them go. I clutch at them, desperately. I choke as I swallow them back down, but I do so quietly.
Because the last thing I want to do is ruin your happiness by shattering this facade that I created.
Because I don’t want to be the one who steals that smile of yours.
Jynx Frostbyte 